word. i am lucky enough to have 11 of these best friends. you know who you are 🙂
and once again, ryan o’ connell i LOVE YOU. so much woooooord!
posting this trailer of this new movie seems quite fitting for the continuation of my “first time” story. ha
STUPIDEST BAG I’VE EVER SEEN. i despise karl lagerfeld and modern chanel.
Okay so the first time story haha. So at this point in my life I was in college. Yes, me a pretty sexually free lover of sex, boys, love, and intimacy, lost her virginity at the ripe age of 20 years old. Sigh. Not in high school or at the age of 16, the average age the average American girl loses her virginity. I have never been much of a relationship person and had ample opportunities to lose my virginity/have sex with boys I met, briefly dated, and eventually hooked up with but never wanted to “go all the way”. I in no shape, way, or form wanted to wait for marriage (god forbid! That’s sounds horrendous) but I wanted to wait for a relationship. Someone I had bonded with and cared for. But! That sure as shit wasn’t gonna happen any time soon because at this point in my college career I was a fashion design major who was doing homework/going to classes quite literally 24/7, hardly sleeping, and could barely get my work done, let alone have time to go out, drink, or meet silly boys to potentially be in a relationship with. So at the age of 20 at this time, I had made the semi-conscious/subconscious decision that I was ready to have sex and didn’t really want to wait for a relationship anymore. I am, by nature, a pretty sexual person so it was about damn time. Enough was enough. I wanted to get laid! I didn’t verbalize these feelings to any of my friends or close family members (my sister or girl cousins) but I consciously knew I was ready to go all the way, have sex. When I tell friends about my first time story and how old I was most people are surprised. They say, “YOU (aka an extremely sexual and open person) lost your virginity at 20?! REALLY?” Really, really. Ya best believe it. This was the time in my life when I was really coming into my own and beginning to truly love and appreciate myself for the first time. I was anorexic from eighth grade till sophomore year of high school and since then have struggled with body issues so feeling comfortable with my sexuality and my body was kind of foreign up until Fall-Winter of 2009. I wasn’t comfortable with myself before this and if I’ve learned anything from men and attraction, it’s that you have to exude confidence and self-awareness, of course. So in my own time, I found self-acceptance and became more comfortable and confident with the thought of having sex. I was ready and eager. And might I add, very sexually frustrated and horny.
So as the stressful junior year fall semester came to an end on Thursday, December 17th, 2009, me and my friends decided we had to go out and get completely white girl wasted/shit faced. Please and thank youuuu! We deserved it; it had been a very stressful, tiring and un-fun semester. My friends “Lana”, “Carol”, “Elyse” and I decided we should try out this infamous shitty dive bar everyone kept talking about, Medusa, on 21st and Chestnut. I was so excited to finally go out, drink, and dance after weeks and months of non-stop work, panic attacks, late nights, and deadlines. I put on this fairly new black sequin Free People top I had bought at the beginning of the semester but never found time to wear, some black pleather leggings, and black booties. Yeah, I went there. I would NEVER wear this outfit now (bitch, please) but at this point, this was very me. Oy, sequins. My sense of style is definitely more refined now but this is what I wanted to wear then so whelp what can ya do haha.
After primping ourselves, “Elyse” and I went over to “Lana”’s dorm and began pre-gaming and drinking lots and lots of white wine. As we arrived, “Lana” was deep in major crush mode, beaming at her newest crush “Eric”, such a Midwest hottie. I was kind of squirming inside when I saw this though because “Eric” is very hot and smart, yes, but also very confusing. I like to believe that I am pretty good at reading people. And I could tell this guy was not as into “Lana” as she was into him. Not that he wasn’t attracted to her, I could tell he was, but he didn’t seem as emotionally available as she was. He seemed like one of those guys who is so focused on school, his design work, being fit, and doing exactly what he wants to do, that making time for a girl and her emotions was not in his repertoire. Which is completely fine! But I knew it would ultimately let “Lana” down so I didn’t enjoy witnessing all of this happening. And sure enough my thoughts and assumptions did, in fact, turn out to be a reality in the future, womp womp. They were flirting and deep in conversation as “Elyse” and I joined in on the drunken convo. One and a half coffee mugs of white wine and multiple, tipsy laughing fits later, I was pretty drunk and ready to go out to the bar. “Carol” came a half hour later to meet up with us at the dorm; she was our sober “DD”. As soon as she arrived, we left “Eric” at the dorm, and headed for Medusa in my red corolla and were off to center city. We were being typical boisterous, chatty, drunk college girls in the car, so excited to let loose. I was feeling invigorated, refreshed, and carefree for the first time in 5 months so it was definitely one of those nights (as I’m sure we’ve all experienced) where you just wanna get bombed and go nuts. I was more than ready to have one of those crazy nights.
We arrive at Medusa and order some drinks. Me, a vodka soda, “Lana” a whiskey sour, don’t remember what the other girls ordered (but damn, can’t believe I still remember our drink orders). Medusa is a fucking whole in the wall. It’s a very dark, dimly lit, teeny, dive bar with random stickers and posters on the wall. Graffiti, pictures of penises, and phrases like “Jhn Rdn gave me herpes” are splattered on the walls and in the disgusting bathrooms caked in grime. Actually, whenever I think about the filthy hole that is the bathroom at Medusa, I recall the tidbit my crazy awesome manager at my internship in 2009 shared with me. When I told her about my first time story a month or so after it happened, she laughed and said, “Haha, last time I was at Medusa, I fucked Diplo in the bathroom.” “Bahahahha, that’s amazing”, was my instant reaction. She was fucking nuts and I loooooved it! Medusa is just one of those places, like the Barbary, where anything and everything goes.
So one vodka soda and probably half a bottle of wine in and I’m white girl wasted. That’s what 5 months of not drinking will do to a girl. Me and my girlfriends are dancing and having a great time as the DJ is playing some techno crap or something. Really good dancing music. I love dancing and dancing drunk can be even better sometimes. In fact, one of my favorite feelings in the world is when I’m tipsy, dancing to really good music, close my eyes, and just let my self do exactly what I want to do in that moment. Moments like these make me feel very present, happy, and alive and it always feels so lovely. So I’m sure I was doing that at one point this night.
I was dancing with my back facing the DJ and all of the sudden feel this tall, fit guy behind me, dancing up against me. “Ugh” is my first reaction because I’m not really into grinding and I don’t know what this person looks like or who he is. My second thought was “Actually, I am so wasted that I don’t even care about grinding. I’ll shamelessly do it… if he’s cute. God, I hope he’s cute. Cuz if not I’ll have to swerve away from him and this bar is teeny so that will surely be awkward.” So I turn my body around to face him and sure enough, he was indeed veryyyy cute, hot even, veryyyy hot. This guy was about 6’2”, slim yet toned and manly (SO my type), he has piercing blue eyes, had scruff on his face, and curly blondish brown hair. He was wearing a slim fitting buttoned men’s dress shirt with a few buttons unbuttoned, exposing some very sexy chest hair. “Damn, okay”, I thought, “I could definitely be into this, he is HOT!” I smiled at him and started dancing with him, grinding even, oy. He was a fantastic dancer. He was eyeing me with desire, grabbed onto my hips, and was spinning me around and totally taking the lead. Anyone who knows me knows I love dancing with guys like this. I find it so sexy and flirty, such good foreplay. As were dancing up against one another, my face close to his, I scream into his ear over the loud music, “What’s your name?!” He replies with an extremely heavy, sexy Spanish accent and tells me his name, which I instantly forget and I yell my name in his ear, “I’m Marisa!”. We smile warmly at each other and continue dancing. Minutes later were grinding on top of each other and making out in public. Oy, so embarrassing. But it was hot, not gonna lie, he was fucking sexy as hell, felt sculpted and had an intoxicatingly good kiss. He was making my loins yearn for him, my head felt light in his arms and his touch made me want to pounce on him. That is how sexy he was. I was so attracted to this person. Undeniably hot. And I hadn’t felt this raw, sexual feeling for someone in probably a year, so I was excited to say the least. I mean, it’s Medusa, worse things have happened there, as we all know now haha.
After about 20 minutes of dancing, eye fucking, smiling flirtatiously at each other, and inadvertently making out, he yells into my ear, “So you have two choices: we can either stay here and dance some more or go back to my place”. I coquettishly smile at this, laugh, and think, “Wow, I cannot believe he just said that. This guy has some balls!” and my second thought, “Yes, omg he is so freaking hot, I want to touch this boy naked, like now, please and thank you”. So I look up at him and for a few seconds pretend to weigh my options he has so boldly given me. I mean, I had to make him sweat a little bit. About 20 seconds later, I reply simply, “Yeah, let’s go back to your place.” He smiles widely at me and my reply, eagerly grabs my hand, and leads me towards the bar exit. Before I leave with him, I go over to “Lana”, “Elyse” and “Carol” and tell them I’m going to leave with him. They laugh at this and look shocked in disbelief. “Lana” blurts out at me dumbfounded, “What?! Are you sure?”, and I reply dryly, “Yup” and chuckle. She retorts, “Well be careful, lady”, and I smile at her and reply, “Oh, I will, don’t worry”. I assure them I’ll be fine, they nod, and “Lana” says lastly, “And, GET IT GIRLLLLL!”. “Oh, I willIl”, I respond with a flirtatious smirk. And I did get it. I got it good.
To be continued…
29 pages later that “Matty” story is done with. GOOD RIDDANCE. That took for-fucking-ever and I could not be more relieved to be done with it haha! Feels so good to have released that from my system. He sucked, so bad. And can keep on sucking with the other bro-y idiots living in Manayunk. Moving on!
I have gotten some great feedback so far from this blog and I really, truly appreciate it. It means so much to me. For instance, last night I was out at Drinker’s in center city for my best friend “Danielle”’s end-of-finals celebration with her Physical Therapy class. Danielle has told me her classmate and our friend “Anne” is rather obsessed with my blog haha. She told me “Anne” checks it all the time and raves about it to everyone she knows. I heard this and thought it was of course an exaggeration because to me this blog is just some subpar writing and a useful form of self-expression and creative release for me. But I guess ya never know how you’ll affect people until ya know!
I arrive at Drinker’s, “Anne” sees me and screams, “OH MY GOD MARISA! You’re here, in person! Oh my god, I love you! I’m obsessed with your blog, you’re my hero!”. And tears began to fall from her eyes. I KID YOU NOT. I was flabbergasted to say the least haha. “In person” she says?! Am I some kind of dating blog writer “celebrity”? Haha barely. So I just stood there stunned at her reaction to seeing me and laughed awkwardly. We talked about the “Matty” story a bit and she expressed to me how much she related to the story and to my real approach at relationships and expressing my feelings. I don’t take peoples’ bullshit and neither does she. It was awesome to trade stories and opinions. At first, I just started writing this to keep me sane but now I realize these stories are very relatable. I am very honest and real so many people (mostly girls, let’s be honest) have connected with it in some way, and that is fantastic. We all deal with this uncommunicative, immature bullshit from men/boys so if I can share my stories and give a little advice and perspective I’m more than happy to. It makes me smile to know I’ve positively affected and influenced girls with my eventful and crazy learned lessons/stories.
Then while I was at the bar I get this text from my friend “Jaime”:
“Go you Marisa! I wish I had half the balls that you do… I’m sure the world would be much less confusing if more people acted like you!”.
🙂 Awwww. This was so sweet of her to say! And totally true. Everyone should speak up! Say what is on your mind, it feels great to let it out and makes life a lot less confusing when things are communicated thoughtfully and thoroughly!
However, I have talked the bejeesus out of this “Matty” situation so much now that I am not even sure if I was in the right in how I acted towards the whole ordeal, so I asked her in response to her text:
“Aww thanks love. You think I acted maturely? I’ve talked about this story so much now I don’t even know now haha”.
And she replied, “I think you were in the right to demand an answer… You deserved to know what went wrong with your relationship.. It’s a totally valid question that most people are afraid to ask because they don’t want to know the truth… But only the truth helps you out in the long run!”
Like they say: the truth shall set you freeeeee! And I 100% totally agree with that! If you know the truth you can know what actually went wrong, the truth of what went wrong, not the made up stuff in your crazy, confused mind, and most importantly, learn from the truth! Learning from the truth helps you make better decisions in your future relationships and learn about yourself, always important and useful things! Grow as a person, always. Never let yourself become comfortable or stubborn or set in your ways. It’s limiting, unattractive, and not conducive to personal growth. But ya gotta talk about it, not text. That’s also highly important.
Alright, that’s all I got for today but tomorrow I will begin writing my “first time” story! It’s a goodie! STAY TUNED!
“Matty” should read this ish… uncommunicative asshole 😉