A few days passed and this whole situation was beginning to really overwhelm me with frustration and anxiety. If I had had control over this situation we would have seen each other and been friends but he had the control because he was basically ignoring me. And this infuriated me. I was hanging out with my best friend “Danielle” and a few other people on a Tuesday night in No Libs. We went to open mic night, had a jam session, everyone else was drinking and smoking, but I didn’t feel like doing that because I knew that would only make me feel worse. I was in a major funk that night I felt confused and my heart was aching because I couldn’t stop thinking about this “Matty” situation. My heart wasn’t aching because I was in love with him (I never was); it was aching because he was hurting my feelings. I felt compelled to text “Matty” and really find out what the fuck was going on in his mind. Also, might I add, how unfortunate it is he made me feel as if I am not worthy of having a phone conversation with him? If I had called him to ask him why he didn’t wanna be my friend (instead of texting him) I’m sure he’d make me seem like I was crazy or had no right or reason to call him. As if I’m not worthy of his time? Or as if calling is too much communication for our relationship? Or as if he could honestly give two shits about me? Who the fuck knows what he thinks. All I know is it’s hurtful. And totally unfair and immature and stupid.
So on June 19th, 2012 the texting conversation between me and “Matty” goes as follows:
Me: “So since you said you wanna be the one to ask me to hang out… Curious if you’re gonna do that cuz I wanna be your real life frienddddd just sayin :)”
Matty: “Haha I actually thought about it today. Then I laughed.”
My thoughts about this… Are you fucking kidding me?! You laugh when you think about hanging out with me. Do you know how hurtful that is? Do you think I’m a joke? Why do you think this way? I have been nothing but kind and sweet to you. What the fuck is wrong with you, you asshole. Going on…
Me: “Why’d you laugh?”
Matty: “:)” (again with the goddamn emoji smiley faces…) “The fact that it popped in my head”
Me: “See you think about being my friend but don’t follow through with it hmmm. This emoji text talk is getting stale haha”
Me: “So when you thought about being my actual friend it didn’t cross your mind to ask me to hang out?”
Matty: “Eh almost”
My thoughts about this: Wowww, whatta prick! Almost? Am I that awful? Or do you really like me that much that being mean to me is the only way you know how to deal with your feelings? Was he trying to make me hate him so I wouldn’t want to hang out with him? I just don’t get why he was being so mean. I’d never treat someone like this.
Me: “Ouch. Why you hate me brah?” (<— I tried to put some sarcasm in this conversation…). “Cuz it actually really makes me bummed you don’t wanna be my friend”
Matty: “I don’t hate you. Why do you want to see me so bad?” I was thinking “cuz I want closure, dumbass” but instead I said…
Me: “Because I enjoy your company. If you read from my perspective what you’ve just said to me it not that nice so it hurts my feelings. To say that you questioned hanging out with me then laughed…? That’s ouch and I don’t know why you said that”
Matty: “I’m sorry. :/. I was being sarcastic.
Me: “Doesn’t make me feel too great”
And then I really let it all out to him,
Me: “It just seems so odd to me that I want to hang out with you as a friend and you don’t. You might as well just tell me no I don’t want to be friends. Cuz to me that’s what I feel like you’re thinking. And then I’d never have to wonder.”
I was screamingggg inside for closure from him, I wanted him so badly to just tell me, “No, I don’t want to be friends with you and this is why: blah, blah, blah”. Even though it’s “harsh”, it’s the TRUTH, I just wanted the goddamn TRUTH. And then I’d have closure and eventually get over it. Without the closure, I’m just lost, confused, anxious, pissed, and hurt by his lack of respect.
Matty: “I don’t know what to say.” OoOoOoOooOoOo how surprising, you don’t know what to say. That’s a new one. NOT.
Me: “I don’t know what to tell you to say. You either want to be my friend or not. And if you don’t, I don’t understand. All in all I feel I deserve a call from you explaining why you’re being so ambivalent about this to me. A phone call. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.”
Matty: “you are freaking me out again” He said I “freaked him out” when I got upset over him saying to me why we couldn’t get married, the whole not into sports and him not being Jewish thing. Me not reacting well to that “freaked him out”. Ugh, god. That was such a shitty and unnecessary thing to say to me. I could’ve reacted a lot worse. I reacted in a humane manor, asshole. Calm the fuck down.
Me: “Geez okay then I think Ill be done with thinking about whether we’re ever hanging out again” I wanted him to say “okay, I’ll call you” but instead he said simply and heart-pangingly (just made up a word ha)…
Me: “Okay then we won’t be friends and you don’t care. Ouch. Pretty disappointed in how this relationship is. I’m a nice person, you probably think I’m a joke. So hurtful. So eh.”
And no reply ever again. Ever. Such a fucking prick. I was shocked he reacted this way when I really told him how I was feeling. I told him he was hurting my feelings and he didn’t seem to care whatsoever. That really hurt. And still does. I don’t get why he thinks so poorly of me, maybe he doesn’t even think poorly of me, I’ll never know because he’ll probably never tell me.
After this damaging and upsetting texting conversation, I asked “Danielle” to come out to the back porch with me because I needed to talk to her. I just started to ball, cried my eyes out. I was so overwhelmed with sadness. I was deeply offended and hurt by “Matty”. And I hated myself for crying over him and this. But I couldn’t help it. He was so mean to me and I was overcome with disgust over how he was treating me. I just didn’t get it, at all.
Later that night I went home distressed. I collapsed onto my bed, called my sister explaining to her what happened and balled my eyes out again. She told me, “Fuck him, he’s an asshole. Don’t let him have this affect on you”. I knew she was right but I couldn’t help it. Ugh. After my sister and I talked for a half an hour or so, I fell asleep hard and woke up refreshed. And I began to write “Matty” a letter on Microsoft Word, just as I am writing about all of this now. I needed some concrete way to get my true feelings out to him. I wanted to list the issues I had with him and our relationship and I hoped he’d finally understand why I was so upset over this. It was thoughtful, mature, sincere, and from the heart. Here it is:
June 20th, 2012
“This is my problem with this situation and the dynamic of our relationship. We hook up, have a good time together, agree its not going to evolve to any sort of boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Totally cool with all of this.
Then you tell me very abruptly and without any true explanation or discussion that “you’re not feeling it”. So I have to sit and wonder “why aren’t you feeling it anymore?”, “why does this person laugh and roll his eyes when he thinks about hanging out with me?”, “why does he make me feel like i’m undeserving of an actual phone or in-person conversation?”. Why because I want to know what you’re thinking does that make me “crazy” in your eyes? Ever since you told me you weren’t feeling it I have only tried to be a friend to you and for some reason you will not allow me to be. And I don’t know why. And I feel hurt by your lack of explanation and I think it’s disrespectful. I shouldn’t have to feel stupid or out of line for feeling like this either.
Overall, I don’t think it’s the lack of a relationship/friendship/whatever I feel hurt by not having with you because honestly if this is how you’d act towards me I don’t need a person like that in my life. But I feel a gross distaste for the lack of explanation and respect. So I don’t know if you’re going to reply to this or even call me or do nothing at all. But I want you to know how I felt because it’s bothered me. I’m not trying to lash out at you or “freak you out”, I just wanted a verbal explanation.”
He never replied and never gave me the closure I needed. He may have thought him telling me over the phone he couldn’t have sex with me anymore because he was getting too attached to me was enough closure for him. But for me it was definitely not enough. I wanted to see him in person and talk about our relationship. I wanted to continue being friends. Some people have told me I needed to accept his form of closure because some people don’t even get that from people they are seeing. My one friend has told me not all people can deal with situations the way you can and you need to accept their forms of communication even if it isn’t your ideal form of closure. But I think that is bullshit. It’s immature behavior not to deal with situations. He should have the decency and respect for me to see me in person and talk. I wasn’t gonna bite his head off or yell at him. I just wanted to talk. And because of his lack of respect and maturity, I think he’s a coward.
I also think this whole situation upset me and affected me so deeply because I had no control in the situation. And I need control like I have said before. So that is another thing I have learned about myself from this. I must try to be less controlling and let things be as they are and evolve as they will. However, I will never stop speaking my mind, handling situations maturely and logically, and will know better next time not to be blinded and consumed so deeply by intense sexual attraction and connection.