So the days went on and I still never heard from “Matty” about actually hanging out. I texted him about my brother’s wedding, asked him to come out with me a few times, and would text him if something funny would happen I thought he’d find comical. I couldn’t help it, I missed him and I wanted to see him, so sadly and stupidly, this was the next best thing. I remember asking if he felt prepared for the GMAT. He got in a car accident one weekend and I called to make sure he was okay. I genuinely cared about him as a person, he wasn’t just person I’d fucked, he meant a lot more to me than that (he still does, which also sucks). So when he did get in that car accident we talked on the phone for like 5 minutes. That was probably the first time we had actually TALKED ON THE PHONE since he ditched me that night a few weeks back.
I saved all of “Matty” and me’s texting conversations from June 11th to the present, by the by. I expressed to him on June 11th via text that “I’m still bummed about this situation and I want not to be.” He replied, “What situation?”
Are you kidding me, “Matty”? You reallllyyyy don’t know?! So I explained to him, “You don’t wanna hook up with me anymore. So I feel like you are just like okay I’ve had enough of this person and that’s that. It’s just a shitty feeling.” I honestly think that is how he truly feels deep down and that is so hurtful I cannot even express to you… The not having sex thing is not what hurts. What hurts me is the fact that he makes me feel like I don’t deserve his true friendship or respect.
He says, “I just want to be friends. I feel like if we hook up again the emotions will only get worse.” This comment left me dissatisfied and annoyed. I knew he didn’t wanna hook up anymore. But why didn’t he wanna see me? Be my REAL-LIFE friend? If he said we were still friends, why was he not allowing me to be his friend? That was what was pissing me off. Actual friends see each other in person. Sure, I can say that me and my other ex-boyfriend are “friendly” but we’re sure as hell NOT FRIENDS. We don’t see each other in person and rarely text each other. I honestly think he is boring and socially awkward so I could care less about seeing him. I have no desire to see him. We are purely “friendly”. I wanted (and still want) to be more than friendly with “Matty”, I want to be actual friends because I thought he was a great person and I genuinely enjoyed his company. Also, (in my mind) there is no reason we could not be friends! What the fuck was the deal? We had stopped hooking up relatively amicably and I had done nothing wrong to him. I have a very strong personality, can be very outspoken/opinionated, and a little over-the-top sometimes but I am very logical. In relationships with men/boys, I rarely raise my voice (I actually don’t think I’ve ever raised my voice to a guy I was seeing), always have a respectful temperament, and am not one for drama (like some other crazy bitches out there). I had (and still have) only ever tried to be a good friend to him. And yet, he was still denying me true friendship and respect.
So I replied to his infuriating response, “We are so epically different” (because we were!). And also, if I was him I would not have replied to my above comment the way he did. He told me why he didn’t wanna hook up anymore, I got that. But I wanted him to tell me the actual reason he didn’t want to see me anymore. Then I would know and would have closure. He refused to tell me why he wouldn’t see me again. And still hasn’t, so cowardice.
He said, “Understatement lol” to the fact that I stated we are so epically different. I replied, “haha ugh” and he replies with a smiley face emoji, “:)”. Him and the use of the goddamn emojis… So fucking stupid. I have no idea what he ever meant. I mean, what the fuck does that happy face mean in response to me expressing how frustrated I am with our relationship. Is it too much to ask to be told something straight, to my face? I guess a stupid smiley face is easier for him. Cuz GOD FORBID he actually deal with his issues maturely and effectively and talk to me like an actual respected human being. Because that would JUST BE TOO HARD. Actually, no, it is pretty fucking easy.
I told him (jokingly of course, but truly in my mind, not so jokingly) that I wanted to smack him across the face, lightly of course. He sarcastically replied, “Why I oughta” and I retracted, “You can’t do much since you won’t hang out with me haha!” I expressed to him further, “It feels like you’re scared of being near me or something so ignoring me is just easier.” He replied simply and irritatingly eight hours later, “Overthinking…”. If I was fucking over thinking it “why the fuck wouldn’t you just tell me, dumbass?!”, I thought. What the hell did I have to do to get some real, sincere, mature communication from him?! I did not know and it left me angry, anxious, and hurt.
The next day I texted him because I found out I got this paid internship I had applied for! He said to me, “That’s so awesome. Tell me about it. When where what how how why lol”. As he is texting me inquiring about my internship and my good news, I thought to myself, “Why can’t I tell you these things in person like actual adults and friends do?! Why do I have to fucking text you this shit.” Texting is meaningless to me, complete bullshit. It’s not the only way you communicate with someone you truly care about and care about seeing. And if it is, you have issues and need to deal with your lack of ability to deal with REAL LIFE and MATURE RELATIONSHIPS, moron.
But I gave in and told him all about it and how excited I was for this opportunity. He replied, “That’s so great. You will do awesome. You deserve it. So happy for you”. I replied, “Thank you. That means a lot (hug)”. He reciprocated, “(hug)”. How pathetic is this conversation?! SO SILLY! Why can’t we just hug in person and talk about this, so dumbbbb! And if he cared about me enough to inquire about my internship and said he was proud of me (which I am sure he actually was) then why couldn’t he tell me these things in person? I’ll never know, I guess.
We texted about trivial things after this. I sent him an audio recording of my sister-in-law’s 5 year old nephew singing the band fun.’s “We are young”. It’s the freaking cutest thing ever and I knew he’d appreciate it and find it adorable. He did, of course. Later in the week I asked him to come out to center city to some bars the night of my cousin’s graduation dinner. Of course he said he already had plans. I ended up hooking up with “Brian Barbuzzo” that night so it was a probably good thing he didn’t end up coming out anyway though, haha.
After he told me he already had plans, I expressed to him jokingly, “You must roll your eyes when you get a text from me haha”. He instantly replied, “Haha that and a big smile comes across my face :)”. So I said, “Yet you still won’t hang out with me…” No reply from him about that, obviously. Fucking coward. If he smiled whenever he thought about me or thought about hanging out with me, why the fuck wouldn’t he just ask me to hang out?! The logical reaction to thinking about someone and smiling is asking if you can see them. But he never did and refused to tell me why. IT MADE NO SENSE.
The final entry about this “Matty” story will be continued later tonight…