My sister called me this morning and we were talking about my blog and about this “Matty” story. She explained to me that I should develop his character more. She even suggested that I fabricate some things and make him seem less kind, more unappealing, or more something. I agreed I should develop his character more but I in no way want to elaborate and/or exacerbate his character because I want myself and my readers to understand my thought process throughout this whole situation. If I elaborated things it would not be true or sincere to the reality of what really happened. And I need to focus on realism, not delusion or fabrication. She asked me, “What kept you hanging on to him? What was so great or different about him?”. I realize that I know “Matty” and my readers do not. So I know what kept me hanging on and I probably haven’t explained him enough for my readers to understand my attachment and attraction to him. So I will explain him more.
“Matty” ‘s ethnicity is ¼ Japanese and ¾ other European countries, so he has a faint Japanese look to him but hardly noticeable unless you really take a second look. I have a thing for people of foreign decent, whether they are Latinos, Asians, French guys, a mix of different ethnicities, etc. I lost my virginity to a Latino guy and ever since then it has stuck. He has an adorable, dimpled grin. He has two tattoos. One on his chest with the word “strength” written (fairly small) in Japanese. And the other one on his shoulder, a small-medium sized Ohio State “O”. I know, oy. But he is aware they are douche-y but still really loves them, so as long as he knew they were silly, I was okay with that. haha. Somehow on him, I found them sexy and endearing. He is very athletic, determined, and disciplined. He has a great job at a well-known banking firm, works hard, and values education and learning. He is funny, silly, and playful. He is well-spoken. He is a fantastic lover, has an intoxicating kiss and embrace, and he made me feel special. He remembers details and is very meticulous. He was the first person I had had great, meaningful sex with since my ex-boyfriend and I broke up in December of 2011. I was also more attracted to “Matty” than “Mark” so that was another part of the hang up. He was very open with me, which was such a refreshing change of pace from the other game-playing idiots I usually come across. I remember telling him after we had sex the first time I hadn’t felt that relaxed in quite awhile. He made me feel at ease when we were together and I didn’t want that feeling to end. I think he has attachment issues, he is most definitely a serial monogamist; I think the loss of his mother has something to do with that. This could not be the case; this is just what I think. I think he likes feeling loved and appreciated, he goes in full force, hot and heavy, he is very intense. He is a good person, he is sweet, despite the fact that we didn’t end well and don’t talk now. It irks my insides that we don’t talk and are not amicable because now I have nothing against him. I fully understand where he was coming from now. It would be so nice to just be able to get a meal with him, walk around, just talk, sex is not necessary. I appreciate him as a person. I also despise the possibility that he may not like me or never want to see or talk to me again. That also wrangles my insides to think about that.
I hooked up with another guy recently who told me as we were lying in bed, “You are gorgeous, you seem like someone who is really loved.” I was dumfounded by this comment and looked at him quizzically because I, in fact, in my past dating history, have not been someone who is “very loved”. I feel like I actually do attract a lot of men, however, many of them are emotionally unavailable and it never ends well and therefore leaves me “unloved”, I guess. So I’m definitely not one of those girls who have been in long loving relationships. I think that is what that guy meant by someone who is “very loved”. QUITE THE CONTRARY.
The way “Matty” treated me when we were good made me feel very loved. I did not want to let that go. But the reality of it was that his adoration and care could not last because we were not meant to be and it was unrealistic and not really fair to either of us to keep it going. I hated the thought of that. I didn’t want to accept that. Now I do. And I would really love it if we could be real-life friends.