My NYC friend “Liza” texted me Monday night about my most recent blog post.
“I just read your last entry. I can’t believe he stood you up!!! That’s so insane!!!”.
My reply “yuuuup (emoji thumbs down)”,
She responded, “I’ve read all your posts now and there are no more new ones. I’m conflicted”,
I asked, “Conflicted how?”.
She explained, “Because I want to read more but I don’t want it to be super bad because then it’d mean you had a shitty time of it :(”.
I laughed at this and replied, “Haha it was shitty”.
She replied, “I’m sure it was I can’t believe he stood you up, that’s so dick.”
I am well aware of all of this so I just reply, “Yuuuup”. Simple as that.
The more I Iay there in my bed, the more anxious and bothered I became. Where the hell was he?! I wanted to hook up but I was getting tired so I texted him,
“Hey are you still coming over? I’m gonna go to sleep if you’re not, I am getting tired.” Five minutes later he responded, “Can we do this another night?”
Mind you he had been sexting me all day and telling me he couldn’t wait to see me and fuck me an hour before this. I read this text and immediately thought, “What the fuck is going on?” That is not a normal response considering the very positive signals he had been giving me all day. There clearly had to be something going on, something was off. You don’t tell someone you wanna hook up with them all day then tell them, “eh, let’s do this another night”, that just doesn’t make sense.
So I called him. He picked up and said “Hello?” very hesitantly, as if I shouldn’t be calling him or as if my inquiring call was “out of line”. I plainly said, “Hey, what’s the deal? What is going on?” He sighed a deep breath and blurted out, “I’m just not feeling it.” “”Matty”, what do you mean, ‘you’re just not feeling it?’ You just told me an hour ago you wanted to fuck me…” . That “I’m just not feeling it” remark really shot my confidence. I was offended. He didn’t wanna have sex with me? Why? What’d I do? Then he really started to lay it all out for me, once again. “I don’t think I can have sex with you anymore. I think I’m getting too attached to you and that can’t happen. I can’t stop thinking about you. There’s no point of hooking up anymore because we can’t be together”. Ughhhh. Srsly? I responded, “But, “Matty”, you’re the one who made us “hook up buddies”. You told me you’d be okay with this”, so he retracted, “Well I’m not. What else can I say? I’m not a piece of meat, I’m not just a nice dick”. When he said this last part to me, I thought “Are you fucking kidding me?!” Now he is making himself the victim, typical. Making it seem like I just want him solely for sex, I know he is so much more than that. I told him, “”Matty”, of course I don’t just see you as just a perfect dick. I care about you, I like being in your company. I mean, I just don’t get why you have to put these limits on yourself if you want to be with me. How can you tell me one minute you want to fuck me and the next you never wanna see me again?” I was also bummed. I really liked having sex with him, And I truly enjoyed his company. I didn’t want that to end. “Marisa, I just can’t, you’re leaving, The more and more we hook up and the longer this goes on the more we’re both gonna get hurt in the end”. Ugh, deep down I knew he was right but I didn’t wanna listen to him or reality. I just wanted to be with him in this moment. I started to rush to conclusions because I had no idea what he was thinking, “I mean, well can I still see you? Is this it? Are we just never gonna see each other again? Is that all you see me for, sex? . He quickly responded, “No, of course not, I don’t see you as just sex. I still want to see you. I think you’re great.” A wave of relief rushed through my body. Phew. I mean deep down I knew he didn’t see me as just a sex thing but I wanted to hear the words from his mouth. I expressed to him how I wish he didn’t fell this way. But he insisted he had made up his mind and he wasn’t going to come over. He said he’d talk to me soon and I said. Okay, fine. And that was that.
So there I lay very sexually frustrated, confused, anxious… and ditched. I was pissed. Why did he lead me along the whole day if he had been feeling like this and second guessing it all? Could I do anything to change his mind? I just wanted to see him so badly. Ugh. I dozed in an out of sleep that night. My mind was racing and I was preoccupied with me and “Matty”’s conversation. We’re we ever going to have sex again? Would we actually hang out again? Could we even be friends truly? I also felt like that conversation was not enough closure for this situation. One second he’s hot, the next he’s ice cold. Like what the fuck?! He kept insisting he didn’t wanna talk about it anymore when I called him last night. But why? I wanted to know what he was thinking. I had the right to know. I wanted to know it all. But he wouldn’t give that to me.
In the morning, I texted him telling him to have fun with his family (his family was in town that weekend) and I hoped we could talk soon and see each other after he had taken the GMAT June 2nd. But as we all know, that never happened. I waited and waited that day, then the next, then the next week, for a kind reply but nothing. So infuriating. So confusing. So hurtful. So cold.