At 6:45 am my IPhone alarm goes off, waking both of us up, alerting me to wake my tired ass up and study more for my exam at 8. I go over my macroeconomics notes, while “Matty” rests and cuddles with me. I remember we both really wanted to have morning sex at this moment but I had to be responsible and study. As we’re lying down “Matty” asks me, “So, what would you do if I was Jewish?”. I laugh at this question, smile at him, flirtatiously wrap my leg around his waist, and reply, “I’d snatch you up! You’re a good catch. But you’re not Jewish so womp womp”. He grins at this reply and kisses me. Man, he really brought up this Jewish business a whole lot. I wonder why he cares so much. So yeah I guess that was another red flag.
After about 30 minutes of barely studying “Matty” and I both get dressed. I remember exactly what I wore to take my final college exam. I put on a yellow knit sweater from Anthropologie and these awesome black wide leg gaucho pants with white elephants on them that my Grandma gave me from her incredible closet. “Matty” makes fun of me and says, “That is such a Jewish girl outfit”. He had this theory that lots of Jewish girls always wear shirts and clothes that never show off their bodies, like baggy tops and all those unflattering boxy cut clothes. I agreed with his theory somewhat. I know a lot of Jewish girls who dress like that (basically all wear the same outfit everyday) and most of them went to big 10 schools aka where he went to school so it makes sense he thinks that way. I lead him out of my place as he comments, “Oh, wow, your place is so nice. I never got a tour”, I chuckle at this comment because he really didn’t and it’s funny. We enter the elevator and awkwardly make small chat with the front desk girl who was already in the elevator once we got on. “Matty”’s car is parked towards the front of the building and my car is in the garage in the back but I lead him towards the garage because I want to kiss him goodbye but not in front of all of these nosey people I feel try to eavesdrop on my social life. We hug and kiss goodbye at the back walk-in doors and tell each other we had fun last night, he looks into my tired eyes and says “I’ll see you soon”. I smile warmly at him and say, “Okay, good”. We separate and he goes back through the lobby to the front and I go to the back towards the garage. And that was the last time I ever saw him. I know in this moment I was sure we’d actually be seeing each other soon. But that did not happen. It was going to happen but never actually did. It’s pretty silly we never saw each other again. I mean, I think we probably will one day, I wouldn’t doubt it but I also wouldn’t doubt if we never saw each other again, also. Just so unnecessary and dumb. Weird. Stupid. Childish.
I go to school to take my exam. I’m surprisingly energetic because like I have said before, the after-sex glow works wonders. The exam goes fine, it’s whatever, who cares. I don’t even know what I got on the exam, nor do I care. I passed the class with like a “B-“ or something. So yeah after the exam, I go home and try to nap, while listening to that epic “you make me smile” playlist. I recall not being able to fall asleep for more than like 10 minutes because I was so excited, giddy, and anxious about last night’s happenings. Last night was intense and amazing and special and confusing and anxiety-inducing. This after-sex glow was quickly turning into a major crush on this guy who was realistically unattainable for me. I could be psychical with him and laugh with him, yes, but I knew in my gut I wanted more than that. And I still do, despite the fact that I am moving in February. I was starting to have actual feelings for him, more sentimental and real feelings than the simpler “I just wanna fuck your brains out” feelings. These feelings are not conducive to a friends with benefits relationship.
Laying in bed, I texted him something like “listening to the playlist and napping :)” or “How’s work?” or something along those lines and he didn’t reply for awhile. And usually when we texted he’d reply instantly. Now, not so much. This shit happens all the time when a relationship starts. Whether it be monogamous, friends with benefits, just starting dating, whatever. Almost everyone starts these games eventually. And I HATE them now. But ultimately the truth is, if someone wants to talk to you, see you, be with you, they will. So since I know this, I fear that his “not eagerly replying anymore” behavior means he is questioning all of this. And i think I feared right. Okay, okay, I thought to myself, “This is just all in your head, don’t psyche yourself out, just be cool”. He could be busy at work, in a business meeting, eating, working out, etc. who knows. I needed to keep myself cool and calm. So that is what I did, or at least tried to do. I made the conscious decision to not take this relationship too seriously and just go with the flow. That plan went swimmingly until that following fateful Thursday of day-drinking and stupid texting conversations. Ugh, fuck that day.