Ugh I just need to finish this goddamn story so I can move onto the funnier ones. It’s pretty fucked up. I was talking to a guy friend of mine about this Monday and I told him if this dude walked in the door I’d have the impulse to slap him across the face and then make out with him. How fucked is that? VERY. Oy. I am supposed to hook up with “Brian Barbuzzo” (gotta love alliteration) tonight but still think about this dude “Matty”. And I have a date with a guy I’ve been hooking up with this month tomorrow night, let’s call him “Talon” (that name is inspired by the hottie from Laguna Beach all those years back, this kid is from Laguna). I have many lovely and entertaining prospects… But why has this person affected me so? Brian is very hot, totally fun and crazy like me, and very into me and vice versa but for some reason it doesn’t make this whole thing alright.
I really think that it is all about control. I do not have control in this situation. If I had control he would’ve given me closure but he hasn’t and probably won’t. So I’ve got no control and he has it all. It’s infuriating. And so stupid and childish and everything annoying and blah. I dunno sometimes I feel like I can have this power over men/boys (let’s be honest, they’re not all “men”) because I usually know what I want out of my relationships with them. I wouldn’t say I take men for granted or am carless with peoples’ feeling but if I know I could never see anything beyond a physical relationship with a guy then I have to let him go. I am usually very good at deciphering the difference between someone I’d just like to “hook up with” versus someone I could actually have a relationship with. And lemme tell ya, I haven’t met many of the latter. There’s always something off. Either the sex isn’t good enough, they turn out to be Republicans, they could be boring, are hipsters (eh, they’re often hot but you can’t date these idiots), they like me more than I like them, they’re often IMMATURE, they don’t appreciate good food or music, they take themselves too seriously/are pretentious (also why I don’t like to date lawyers, god, SHUT UP all of you), they don’t know how to have fun, etc. It’s always one or two or a combination of these and any other flaws and quirks I just can’t fucking deal with for my sanity and happiness. Either I’m way too picky (which is A GOOD thing, everyone should be picky or else you end up dating, actually monogamously dating, not just hooking up with, MORONS) or the universe is telling me my next monogamous relationship is not going to be in Philly, I’m gonna guess both haha. I know when I know, it’s instinctual. I am very picky and absolutely do not rush into relationships. However, in this situation I didn’t truly know exactly what I wanted. I realized when we were talking/hooking up/whatever-ing that I wouldn’t want him to be my boyfriend because were so fucking different, it just wouldn’t work out. But I also liked him too much for just a “hook up buddy”, maybe that is the issue. I cannot control this person in the one way I want to so that irritates me. It all makes psychological sense. Just sucks. Blahdiblah.