please, for the sake of our future, I implore you to stop taking pictures of yourself.

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or 2 a.m for those cities unlike NYC where bars aren’t open till 4…

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Home Part 3

So I shift my attention to this dude “Dave”, who I recognized from some other Cincinnati Jewish event called “Latkapalooza” (yeah, that’s a thing haha) I had gone to Christmas Eve but hadn’t talked to, and we start talking. He asks me how I know “Matty” since I didn’t go to OSU. I tell him I went to college in Philadelphia and met him there. He says “Damn, yeah he was always into those Jewish girls…”, I think, “Haha, yes I know this fact.” I tell him we dated/hooked up for a bit and had “a, an err… tumultuous relationship”. He chuckles and asks, “What does that mean? Like physical fighting?”. I retort, “No, no, of course not, just an odd relationship. I think he’s dating a Brazilian girl or something now so it really doesn’t matter.” “Oh wow, good for him, I should congratulate him, getting a Jewish girl and a Brazilian…”. Haha, what?! I am instantly a little perturbed by this comment, raise my eyebrows at him with a surprised smirk and take a big gulp of my wine. He keeps inquiring about “Matty” and me so I tell him, “Yeah, um, we just had a weird, intense chemistry and it overwhelmed both of us I think. So then he told me he’d never date me because I was Jewish” and he raises his eyebrows in surprise at this and replies, “Well, at least he told you, a lot of guys wouldn’t even do that”. I take in that comment, and of course, agree with him, but think to myself it is still depressing some guys wouldn’t even have the decency to tell someone they’d been intimate with what they really thought of them. So I reply to him, “True, true, yeah I kinda used to hate him (haha, I laugh to make this uncomfortable conversation less awkward) but at the time I was just being selfish and wanted to hookup. Now I realize it was a fair thing to say to me and made the most sense”, and he says, “Yeah “Matty”s a good dude”, and I just nod my head agreeably, nervously laugh, and take another big gulp from my wine mug. “Oof,” I think, “gotta change the subject”.

So I change the subject, and “Dave” and I talk about all the mutual friends we have, where he likes to go out in Cincy, what kind of fun/uneventful things I have done since being home, what I am going to do in Israel, what he does in Cincinnati for work, etc. Ironically, he tells me he is a banker/economist and is getting his MBA, (just like “Matty”, haha, irony!).  Before we know it, we’ve been talking for like 15 minutes and everyone else we were talking with before had meandered to the living room. Eventually, “Dave” and I make our way over to everyone else and I begin talking with this doofy, funny guy named “Doug”. “Doug” is your typical goofy slightly overweight Jewish dude. He’s not ugly but not really good looking, he’s hilarious, and very forward when it comes to hitting on women. He reminds me of all of the Seinfeld characters wrapped into one person or something like that. Okay, let’s be real, he’s a little obnoxious, and by “a little”, i mean “a lotta”obnoxious. He has bright beady blue eyes, a wide gregarious grin, and dark, brown hair. Oh wait no, he is this cartoon character! No idea, who this creepy wolf is but it’s “Doug” in cartoon form…

HA, yeah I kid you not, that is him; spot on. So as were sharing a big sofa chair, I get to talking with him about my life, his life, he tells me about a girl he recently broke up with, he starts opening up to me after knowing me for about 2 minutes. This happens to me a lot. For some reason, people often find it really easy to confide in me I guess, they just spill their guts/hearts/whatever out to me. I like this actually, I love learning about people, I just find it interesting it happens at least once a week.  “Doug” drunkenly blurts out to me, “Man, I can’t believe I’m telling you all of this”, and I reply in my hazy, tipsy state, “No, it’s cool, this happens to me a lot, people just talk to me haha”, “Yeah, I can understand, you’re mesmerizing”, grins that huge grin of his and gazes intensely into my eyes. Woahhh, buddy. Simmer.

So as the night goes on, the proposition of going out comes up amongst some of the guys (none of the girls wanted go out) and I, of course, wanted to go because everyone who knows me knows I will almost never turn down an offer to go out! The cute-ish non-Jewish guy, “John”, asked me, “are you sure you wanna go out? The girls aren’t coming”, I laugh at this and retort, “um yeah, haha, who cares? I wanna go out, let’s go!”, he retorts, “You’re awesome!” and gives me a high-five. Oh, brother.

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Home part 2

That following Friday night I went to a Shabbat potluck dinner that I was invited to by my friend ”Stacey”. We met through one of my good friends from home “Missy”, they were in the same sorority at OSU. My friend “Annie” and I would go up some summers to visit “Missy” and naturally became good friends with all of her sorority sisters, which included “Stacey”.  “Stacey” got a job in Cincinnati after graduation. She lives on a cute, homey street in an adorable (and might I add HUGE) apartment right near Mt. Lookout. I arrived wearing a black Free People intimates tube top, a black floral lace bomber jacket, black suede wedges, vintage gold jewelry, and my new favorite pair of green and blue vintage inspired, floral high-waisted pants from ASOS.

I brought a fresh homemade salad and a bottle of red wine. I park my car in front of her place and it’s a freezing January night so I rush up to “Stacey”’s apartment steps to diffuse my nerves and the fact that I’m about 30 minutes late. I say “HI!” to this girl “Eliza” I hadn’t seen since we went to Israel together about 4 years ago and we caught up for a bit. She introduced me to a bunch of the nice Jewish girls at the potluck; everyone seemed super friendly and sweet! I excused myself for a sec and scurried off to the kitchen to collect my nerves. As I’m swooping into the kitchen, I make eye contact with like 3 dudes and they all flirtatiously smile at me. “Oh, Jesus”, is my first thought. “This is going to be interesting.” I also had no idea why I was nervous! It’s just a little nerve racking going to a party where the only person you may know is the hostess, also I have noticed I sometimes feel out of place hanging out with a lot people I know are nothing like the friends I’ve had in my life for the past 5 years. I dunno why I was nervous so I had to shake it off! So I took some deep breaths, poured about half the bottle of wine into a mug I found in a cabinet and drank myself to un-nervous. Okay, good to go. I found “Stacey” in her bedroom, gave her a big hug and she introduced me to some more people. The Shabbat candles were already lit so about 5 minutes after I got there everyone got in line to get some food.  I chatted with two old home friends I have known since I was little, got myself a plate, and sat down in the unofficial designated “girls” area around the couches. All the girls were very friendly and sweet. A few of them worked at marketing firms downtown, one girl was a 27 year old Rabbi (pretty cool), “Eliza” ran Access, this Jewish social organization, some were doing Teach For America, etc. After we were all finished eating, my longtime childhood friend “Andi” and I caught up a bit and then migrated towards some other people to chat with.

“Andi” starts talking to a few guys near the kitchen so I join in on the conversation. There were three guys talking with us, one super nerdy and not cute (but nice), one super awkward and not cute, and one probably not Jewish and definitely cute, of course. I find that I am attracted to many people when I first meet them and then once I get to know them I’m not attracted to anyone. I feel like that’s common, maybe it’s not, who knows. Moments like that make me realize I am somewhat, sometimes like Jessa from HBO Girls, ha. Anyway, as we kept talking I gathered he was a real estate agent, still in love with his apparently “huge bitch” ex-girlfriend and kind of a materialistic douche so the initial attraction quickly diminished. He was alright to talk to though.

At one point the super awkward and not cute dude and I were having a conversation about a mutual acquaintance we both knew. He was telling how much he really disliked this kid and I’m just nodding along being polite in this awkward conversation as I notice him just blatantly staring at my chest.  I notice this highly uncomfortable situation and not so discreetly pull up my top a bit. He acknowledges me doing that and then apologizes, “Oh, er, I’m sorry about that…” In this moment I am stunned and dying of laugher inside. You don’t verbalize you were staring at my tits moron! Isn’t that like dude common sense?! You move on and don’t do it anymore, haha, oy so awkward. I just laughed off his apology and said “haha it’s fine…”. We talk for another minute or so and he tells me he was in a fraternity at OSU. The same one that “Matty” was in. “Cool, awesome…. (not)” is my first thought. But I’m a masochist so I inquire the awkward dude if he knows “Matty”. He says he’s not sure and tells me to ask his friend “Dave”, who was to the left of me, if he knows him. Haha, he does and they’re really good friends he tells me. I think to myself “Well, la-di-dah, isn’t that just perfect”.

This story gets really good… more tomorrow!

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I’ve been living in Cincinnati for a month and a half

Hey everyone! Sorry I haven’t written in awhile. I kinda just lost inspiration to write about my sexcapades/relationship/dating stories because not much was happening. Eh, well that’s not completely true. Good, ridiculous, crazy stuff did happen… I just was being too lazy to write about it. But I’m back and writing! Wahoo! I’ve got at least 5 stories to relay, but I’ll start with the most recent one.

So as some of you may know I recently moved out of Philly and transplanted all of my life and stuff to my hometown for about a month and half. I am going to Israel Saturday for an internship program till at least August. Yes, I am super excited, it’s going to be an incredible time and experience!

However, before moving home I was of course super bummed to be leaving Philly and my extremely close group of friends, my family of friends. I am the person I am today because of them and I love and miss them dearly. But surprisingly, I don’t miss Philly all too much. I mean I do miss it, I have grown to adore Philly and love the homeyness of the City of Brotherly Love. Those days spent walking aimlessly around the city, sitting at coffee shops shmoozing with girlfriends, biweekly visits to Whole Foods to check out the cute employees, afternoons spent at happy hours in the summer sun, evenings of dinner parties, wine, and non-stop laughter, and nights spent at concerts and house parties are the things I’ll miss the most. Oh and how could I forget the magically Bohemian nights at the Barbary spent dancing my face off, making out with random strangers, and reveling in those precious moments of pure bliss and happiness with my best girls. Despite how much people bitch about the Barbary, I fuckin love that place and have had some of the best nights of my life there. That wonderfully shitty bar will be missed. Philly was very good to me and it will always have a warm, nostalgic nook in my heart.

But, despite how much I love Philly, I can confidently say I am ready to move on to new experiences and a new life chapter. Before coming back home, I was worried I’d be extremely bored and drive myself mad. Fortunately, that hasn’t happened and I’ve had a pretty fun time! It’s been relaxing to wake up whenever I please, sip coffee, go to the gym, catch up with my family and friends, spend Saturday nights at the symphony or a corny musical rather than at a smoky bar and simmer a bit on the heavy drinking I would sometimes get caught up in as a post-grad party girl in a Metropolitan city. However, if you know me you know I cannot possibly go a month and a half without getting myself into some debaucherous situation(s) so I, of course, have gone out a fair amount while home.

I went out one Friday night with my brother-in-law and his bro-y, semi-alcoholic friends when I first got back which was pretty amusing. We went out drinking in Over-the-Rhine or OTR as the locals like to call it. OTR is a newly gentrified neighborhood in Cincinnati, kind of like a smaller scale Northern Liberties in Philly. There are a bunch of new foodie-esque restaurants, trendy mixology bars, overpriced vintage/thrift shops, and apparently that’s where all of the “hip” young people go so I obviously wanted to check it out. Once thoroughly tipsy and pregamed, we stopped by Neons, a bar I’d say is pretty similar to Frankford Hall in Philly just on a much smaller scale. They have bratwursts and craft beers, bocce ball and jenga, an outdoor courtyard with a firepit, and is frequented by douche-y hoards of bros and Nati hipsters, etc. You get the idea. I saw a few friends from home who I hadn’t seen in years, which was nice, lovely to catch up!

Next, we went to the Drinkery, a divey bar with dance music. Carlo (my brother-in-law), me and his friends were having a fun time carelessly dancing to shitty music played by a shitty DJ (he didn’t even know who AZEALIA BANKS is! Bitch please…). I was chuckling and cringing inside because there was, of course (without fail), the explicitly sexual, grinding couple going at it a few feet from us (they most likely met 30 seconds before I noticed them). You know those couples, the ones who are basically fucking each other in a room where noone else is dancing like that so it is embarrassingly awkward for all parties involved. So i was laughing at that because it’s like car crash and it was just so “awfulsome”. And the whole time as me and these goofy bros are dancing, in the corner of my eye I could see this pretty good-looking beefy, bro-tastic dude grinning at me and clearly checking me out. So at the end of the night, as Carlo and I are shuffling out of the bar, I approach him because why the hell not. I tap his shoulder, grab his attention and say, “Hey, why do you keep smiling at me?”. He smirks and replies, “Because I think you’re beautiful”. I chuckle at this bold statement and say to him, “Well then you should ask me out!”, I mean come on dude, get some balls. If you think I’m “beautiful” as you so gallantly proclaimed, why wouldnt you just come up to me and say “hi, I’m blah blah, what’s your name?”. What’s the worst that could happen? His face looked a little taken aback by my “no bullshit” approach and he nervously replied, “Yeah, that’s a great idea.” So we exchanged names, talked a bit about where we both went to high school, traded numbers, and parted ways about 2 minutes later. There was a bit of drunk texting going on after this about meeting up the next night but of course that didn’t happen.

I ended up getting a drink with this Drinkery bro “Ryan” about a week or so later. We met up at this new-ish brick oven pizza restaurant/bar at around 10 on a Wednesday night. I walk in a bit nervous and “Ryan” stands up from his bar stool to greet me. Wowza, this dude was shorter than I recalled from that drunken Friday night. So we have drinks and chat for about two hours. There really isn’t much to relay other than the fact that this was one of the most random dates I’ve ever been on. I would never ordinarily go on a date with someone like this. “Ryan” is from West Chester, Ohio, a pretty “country” county of the Cincinnati surrounding areas. He went to Eastern Kentucky University, likes to go dirt biking in the summers at deserted Indiana hay fields, he enjoys the musical stylings of Lil Wayne and T-Pain (and not much else), he’s never had sushi, and has never been to New York City (and is pretty ambivalent about ever going). Yeah, we have lots in common… And by lots I mean NOTHING AT ALL and it’s glorious. I find it kind of fun sometimes to interact with people that I have absolutely nothing in common with. Ideally, these random interactions are most entraining when I am actually intellectually stimulated by the other person (I was not stimulated by “Ryan”) but it’s still always amusing to learn about how extremely different this random person is from myself. He paid for my drinks like a gentleman, I thanked him, we hugged, said goodbye and parted ways. There definitely wasn’t going to be any kiss, I wasn’t really attracted to him and we had zero sexual chemistry. We loosely planned to get together again but in reality we both knew that was not going to happen. An amusing first post-grad Cincinnati date for sure.

stay tuned… will write later today about a Shabbat potluck attended by horny, awkward Jewish boys (posing to be men) on the prowl, going out in bro-tastic Mt. Adams, and how a pseudo date with “Matty”‘s fellow OSU frat house brother quickly turned into a very real date and a hilarious story (Whoops!). Irony at its finest.

Thanks for reading!

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